The Fear of Being Misunderstood

You see I am a loud person and I have a million thoughts that flow through my brain all at once. I think fast and I speak even faster. I get overly enthusiastic about ordinary things. I speak with energy, and I like for energy to be given back to me. I send 10 text messages in a row, each a sentence long, and you better believe they are full of exclamation points. I apologize over the smallest things and I am constantly searching for the deeper-meaning of most everything.

I used to hate this about myself. I blamed and questioned myself. I would overthink my childhood memories and wonder what made me this way. I would worry about things I may or may not have said to people days, months, or even years ago. So I tried to settle myself down. I bottled excitement and I worked really hard to speak in a "normal voice."

But you know what, I am loud and that's ok. It's what makes me, me...

I live loud. I trust loud. I put my heart into everything. I laugh loud. I love loud. I work hard to make things meaningful. I cry loud. I talk even louder, but more than anything I BELIEVE loud.

Several months ago I decided I was tired of worrying about what other people thought. It was time I started liking myself and being proud of who I am.  Proverbs 4:23 TLB says "Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life." That word INFLUENCE really stood out to me. It was as if the word was in bold and highlighted. We should be treating our hearts like a wellspring. A wellspring is a source of clean, fresh, safe water that nourishes the life of the plants and animals surrounding it. So basically it INFLUENCES everything around it! If that wellspring is contaminated somehow, or if it is cut off from its source deep within the earth, everything in the area is affected. Things wither and die. So a wellspring is worth guarding and caring for, protecting from pollution, and maintaining its connection to the source (STRONG, Bevere).

So by trying to settle myself down and bottling my excitement I was NOT guarding my affections. I let other people/things contaminate my wellspring which kept me from being able to nourish the life surrounding me. I needed to start caring a little more for myself and taking care of my heart properly so that I could be a better influence for not only friends/family but for my daughter!

I am growing a little more each and every day but it most definitely hasn't been the journey that I imagined. This path looks different but I am learning so much. I have always struggled with "hearing" God. I guess I never actually understood His language. If that's you just know that you're not alone. Prayer and meditation are actually much more about what we hear than what we say. It's taken some time to learn but I promise that cloudy fog of understanding can be cleared away for you just the same as it was for me.

I challenge you to lay in silence before bed tonight and just listen. Don't plead or ask for anything, listen. Rivers of our own words will not wash us clean. Allow Him to set you free from the thoughts that wear you down and replenish your soul as you sleep. "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalms 46:10. Let's learn how to believe louder together!

Follow Katelyn Sutherland and her journey of Becoming!

“My name is Katelyn Jalayne Sutherland I am 30 years old. I was born and raised in Hamilton, Ohio but now reside in Kentucky with my husband and beautiful little 20 month old daughter! I am a true Hamiltuckian! I have a Masters of Education degree in Athletic Coaching and Leadership, as well as a Bachelors in Sports and Exercise Science. I work as a teachers aid and have been for the past 5 years. I played soccer and softball in college and have been coaching softball at the high school level off and on for the past 8 years. My proudest moment in my athletic career was receiving the 9th region coach of the year award. I also enjoy painting and bringing other people’s creative ideas to life. My most rewarding job and title I have ever earned is becoming a Mother! I feel Gods Grace more than I ever have in my entire life and I see it daily in my little girls face. I appreciate things differently and I find myself digging deeper into understanding him rather than trying to question his plan.”